I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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