there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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