wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
