I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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