why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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