Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
