Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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