I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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