I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
