I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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