I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
