No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
