you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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