We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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