u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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