There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
