i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize