I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
