i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
