Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
