just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
