I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
