so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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