first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
