I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
