Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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