I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
