and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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