Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
