I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I will pee on everything he values.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
