My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
