If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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