Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
