She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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