remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Life is so much better after having sex.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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