The maid of honor just puked.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
