I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
