Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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