but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
