update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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