Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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