i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize