why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
