The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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