I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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