alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
