woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
