How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
