i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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