If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
