i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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