my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
