Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
