he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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