She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize