so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
