I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
