hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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