I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
