I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
