My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
