I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
