Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Randomize
