I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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