Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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