shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize