You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
