3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
