whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
