all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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