If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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