you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
