I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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