I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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