today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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