She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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