Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
